The sassiness and sarcasm expressed on this blog are partly fictional, partly hypothetical, partly questionable, and 100% the responsibility of the author.
I know I haven’t been posting here very much lately. Truth be told, I got busy with work, romance, and life. Then the election happened and I went kinda dark.
But over the past couple of months, I’ve been building a new blog. It was time to take off my tumblr training wheels and create something of quality.
It’s kind of a lifestyle blog, and kind of satirical, and will still feature some of my 2nd-person creative writing that I posted a lot of here.
Does SPF 50 plus SPF 30 equal SPF 80? Is SPF 80 even a thing? What about the baby kind? And waterproof?
So if I wear SPF 50 for babies for 2 hours, and then apply some SPF 30 on my face, and spray some waterproof sporty stuff on my back after that, how long can I stay out in the sun before burning my butt?
Well, 45 plus 15 is technically 60, but I heard that 30 is really only 3 percent more effective than 15, so it’s like, 50 plus 3….carry the 5….ignore the SPF in your BB cream, account for consumer reports saying some brands don’t even protect you from the sun at all….what does that equal?
Is the SPF scale kind of like the Richter Scale?
What about the bottles that say SPF 55+ or 70++? What’s the plus for? Double plus? You’re messin’ up my math!
And by the way, does anyone still call it suntan lotion?
If my skin aged 2 extra years from using tanning beds in my teens and early 20s, but I’ve since convinced my dermatologist to prescribe me Retin A, plus now I wear sun hats and hella SPF every damn day, how old does that make me?
I read somewhere that windshields are SPF 50, but a driver’s side window is only SPF 7, so what does this mean for truck drivers and women who are paranoid about aging?
If I use baby sunscreen, will I anti-age like Benjamin Button or will I just smell like a baby?
You learn about bullet journaling and become completely obsessed. You pin pins and search hashtags. You get really busy and never end up using it.
You think about the Amendments. You think about how subborn people are. You think about a woman’s right to vote and the abolishment of slavery. You wonder why it’s such a big deal to switch some things up that don’t make a lot of sense….it’s called an amendment, after all.
You order The Woman Card, donate another ten dollars, vote for Hillary, and wonder why most states haven’t adopted mail-in ballots.
You see that the Harry Potter wand makeup brush set is sold out online and experience a little FOMO. You shampoo your current makeup brushes because you read something about bacteria and text your sister your best eyebrow grooming tips.
You think about comedy a lot. You feel a little remorseful about not writing any standup. You feel comforted when you discover that you can listen to comedy bits commercial-free on Pandora.
You get completely wrapped up in the crime series The Night Of and are distraught when you realize you have to wait a week between episodes. Using the extra time, you develop conspiracy theories on the final twist. It’s just that ever since Bruce Willis turned out to the a ghost in The Sixth Sense, you’ve been suspicious of all hero characters.
You go away on a work trip where you don’t have any phone service, and on the drive back, you catch up on the outside world. You read recaps of the most recent debate and scroll through Facebook statuses. You feel kind of confident and kind of anxious about the upcoming election. You want Hillary so bad it makes you want to cry. You think about feminism and you call your mother. She tells you to maybe stop watching the news until it’s all over.
So you think about pumpkin-flavored things and other October surprises. You look up “mug cakes” on Pinterest and buy some almond flour from the health food store.
You remember the day Obama was elected President. “Waiting On The World To Change” was on the radio. You remember losing your day planner, buying a new one, and frantically scribbling notes and events into it before they fell out of your brain. You remember going to a computer science class, the hardest class you took that year, as code is not a language you speak. You speak in comedy, in thoughts, and in the written word.
You look forward to November 8th. You plan to pay attention and cherish the whole day. You’ll remember everything. You’ll write down your thoughts, take photos of family, and play Beyoncé’s “Run The World” at an unreasonable volume.
You remember things and you look ahead. You have a little FOMO and you never let the important things fall out of your brain.
Here’s that TopShop dress you were looking at on Nordstrom’s website
I guess some things from the 80s & 90s are really funny if you take the music away
Someone else is pregnant. 26 weeks!!!!
Here’s this photo from 5 years ago where you didn’t really look that good
Go Ducks?
There are lots of places on the Internet to purchase sassy Hillary Clinton for Prez t-shirts
People still like to go hiking in the Fall, but only if they can take photos
Trump is losing it & so is everyone else
Lots of clever puns about grabbing things by the p#ssy
Heated debates on whether p#ssies are grab-able
Barrack Obama is actually very popular right now
Here’s how big this baby looked at months 1, 3, & 5 compared to a stuffed hippo
Ooo! Black Mirror is returning with a new season
Your favorite people on Facebook are posting photos of their best childhood Halloween costumes from the 90s
Oh good. Some wedding photographer watermarked all of their photos in giant cursive writing so we all know to never call them to photograph our own weddings
Trump, Trump, Trumpy, Trump, Trump, Trump
It’s that person’s birthday you don’t know!
Move to Portland! No, don’t. Yes, do! He he he…confusing passive-agression always works
Your high school classmate is vague-booking again
Look! Another high school classmate has alienated herself by trying to get people to join a pyramid scheme that will make you lose weight by quitting your job
Google when the Gilmore Girls revival will premier on Netflix and feel relieved because you totally have time to fill in the gaps you missed in seasons 4, 5, and 6.
Spend a whole weekend in Stars Hollow, if you know what I mean…
Convince your boyfriend to go with you to the supermarket to purchase 5 bags of Halloween candy. Have an honest talk with yourself about how quickly you’ll go through it.
Dig out your boots and sweaters, even though the 10-day forecast promises 86 and sunny.
Speaking of the weather still being hot…go down to that new ice cream shop and make sure they stamp your loyalty card. Only 5 more scoops ‘til you hate yourself!
Excitedly set your DVR to record the new season of American Horror Story when you read that this is the first year they haven’t released the theme or characters before the premier.
Continue to eat all the things because your sister’s wedding is over and you don’t really have anything you need to fit into besides your all-black wardrobe you’ll be dusting off this week.
Add all of the presidential and veep debates to your calendar and invite your loved ones over to cheer or cry with you.
Consider purchasing a crock pot for hosting events, laughing at yourself a little, because did you really think you were gonna learn how to make pulled pork?
Follow every single Instagram account that has used the hashtag #TheWomanCard.
Figure out when the new Harry Potter spinoff movie about monsters comes out and mark your calendar!
Feel a little bad for yourself when you find out that you’ll miss The Craft’s 20th anniversary party.
Google “The Craft remake rumors”.
Feel pretty smug as your Halloween costume starts coming together, piece by piece.
Reclaim a Fall tip from last year and search out coffee shops that use real pumpkin in their lattes, instead of actual acid.
You’ve been busy. Like really, really busy. You feel overwhelmed, and happy, and excited for the future.
But you’re a little afraid of the future too. You fear you won’t be the woman you always hoped you’d be. You fear you’ll derail your bikini diet and eat one of those five-dollar donuts. You’re anxious about the November election.
You wonder if the ear pressure and popping you’ve been dealing with is just in your head…besides literally.
Your sister sends you a text message telling you that Bill Cosby is completely blind and has no friends. You hope to god his trial is televised, and do a Google search for when Jim Jefferies will be in town.
Hipster dads are wandering out of the bushes at the park, their legs sore from playing too much Pokemon Go, and you’re not sure how much you care or how much it scares you. Maybe not at all.
You think about current events, what’s utterly current, and what will stay for a while. You think augmented reality might stay. You think Donald Trump might go.
But you won’t worry yourself too much about all of that right now. Right now you’re focused on tie-dye sun dresses and finding creative ways to not burn your ass on the black leather seats of your car.
You’re busy, but beaming, which is the best way to be, really. You live a privileged, pleasant life and you know it. Things feel good. Good like when your mom is happy, or when you enter a comfortingly beautiful bathroom at a restaurant.
But they keep saying you’re hard to read, so you write.
You remember reading a quote once that said something like “What if the cure for cancer is stuck inside a brain that can’t afford an education?” This is a troubling thought to you, but your self-involved side makes the joke, “What if the person you’re supposed to end up with is stuck inside a phone that doesn’t have Tinder?” You laugh, but really start to consider it.
You’re in the middle of a heat wave. There’s an excess of tan skin, and cold cocktails, and grass that needs to be watered. Sometimes it makes you feel happy and light. Sometimes it makes you feel claustrophobic, like the sun is interrogating you. A part of you misses cold weather, and an excuse to wear all black clothing.
Another person asks you if you’ve ever been paid to write. The answer is no, of course. It makes you think about when you had a serving job in college. All you wanted to do was be on the other side. The side where people were enjoying eating at a restaurant and being waited on. You’re not sure you’d like the other side of writing. You fear what will happen if you lose your creative control.
You fear what will happen if you lose control in other ways.
You think you want to be in a relationship. At least that’s what you tell yourself. But sometimes it’s hard to tell if you’re actually into someone, or if you’re just being a control freak. This worries you.
It’s the 4th of July weekend and you’re playing with your friends. You’re laughing and dancing and drinking. You whisper inside jokes and filter photos. You stay out too late. You fall asleep before the fireworks start.
You keep falling asleep before things start. You keep starting relationships you can’t finish. You want to have all creative control, but maybe it’s best to leave it in someone else’s hands.
Update: the person who I’m supposed to end up with was inside a phone that had Tinder, and I’m beginning to let go of some control.
